So it was kind of a fucked up world. On the one hand, extreme guilt and remorse. On the other, like, really weird obsessions when you check out the girls on https://www.fuckforfree.org . You feel guilty about them. You’re kind of like in the middle, and it made for a fucked up situation because you feel that certain things aren’t open to you. You can’t fucking explore. And there’s a lot of hypocrisy, right?

So when somebody comes along who’s very open with things that you shouldn’t talk about, you point your plastic finger at that person. You feel good because you kind of upheld the conventional order of how people should be. Now, I can say, “Fuck that shit.” But back then, I was, like, really into that nice guy bullshit.

And I didn’t know what kind of personal hell I was living until I met Deborah. I met Deborah through an online dating site. It was basically for people who are just looking to fuck. It was my first experience with adult dating, and boy, did it really change my mind. I mean, I did not know that my experience with adult dating at that particular period would free me from my personal prison of the nice guy dilemma.

I’m not the only guy who was suffering from that shit, because everybody I knew from Catholic prep school also had that problem. Some rebelled in a very spectacular way. I mean, they really fucking went out of their way to turn that shit upside down and burn that shit down. I’m talking about them not just becoming, like, sexually liberated dudes, but some of them turned gay. You know, it was, like, hardcore, right? But that’s the extreme.